Lets talk about updating your goals
During my teens and twenties, I had a pretty straightforward set of goals. I wanted to work in a decent bank, live in my own place, travel, and work overseas, the latter of which seemed an impossible dream.
By twenty-one, I was in my own place, a new purpose-built flat, working for a decent financial institution in London. I also hit America that year and got to drive the highways of Texas and California on a trip of a lifetime. That was followed by a trip to Hong Kong. Life was good. My impossible dream, however, still seemed unattainable. I talked about it but had no clue how to achieve it. My Mum had even told me to get on with it or shut up. She was getting bored of me talking about it.
Unattainable, that dream remained until, by a fluke chance, I managed to land a two-month-long role on a project in Singapore. That was followed by a permanent role that led to an offer to work for a top French bank in Hong Kong. Life was good. Add in a marriage and twin boys, and I had ticked off all my goals and half of any decent bucket list.
For me, it was like winning gold at my own Olympics. Many a gold medal-winning athlete will talk about how their world would start to feel flat the very next day after standing on the podium. Something similar happened to me. I was lost, very lost. After all, I had a set of things I wanted to do by age forty and achieved them all.
Now, I mention my story because I see parallels between myself and many psychologists and counsellors I meet. They’ve strived for years to become qualified. They likely did a challenging stint in the NHS and then realised their dream of owning a Private Practice with a full set of clients on their books. Contentment abounded. Some even managed to run their private practice alongside their NHS commitments. But having achieved their goals, were they happy with a job that matches their needs and lifestyle?
I regularly see therapists working Sundays. They are not seeing clients but doing their ‘admin’, as they call it. This translates to working on client notes, sorting out bookings and finances, etc. I know they are working on a Sunday because that’s when they typically contact me.
A quote that links many of the therapists I talk to is, “If only I weren’t so busy, I could spend more time with my family, take that holiday I wanted and do….”. Now you can fill in the blanks with “implement a training programme”, “write a book”, “take on supervisees”, “TED Talk”, “Do my Ph.D.”, etc etc. Yet they were doing nothing to achieve their new set of goals; they were far from defining them and even further from reaching them. It has been common to see Therapists overwhelmed by what is happening to them, not able to make sense of everything swirling around them.
The takeaway I think of the most is that while they achieved their dream goal of running a successful business and having a good lifestyle, there was now a misalignment between their desired lifestyle and business goals.
That same thing happened to me. I’d left banking and returned to the UK, but I was overwhelmed with taking the next steps. I had dreams and aspirations, yet I had no structure to move me forward.
That was until I started reflecting upon my current situation and reevaluating my wants and desires. I began to sense the gulf between where I was and where I wanted to be. I was sitting in the very same place all those Therapists I’d helped had been sitting—a seat reserved for those suffering and overwhelmed.
Fast forward, and through my work with Informing Minds, I was helping psychologists and counsellors worldwide, guiding them in identifying their revised personal and business goals and helping them develop a strategy that would get them to their desired place.
Yet, I was still struggling to help myself. I remained overwhelmed. I started to think it was because I was different – I am diagnosed with ADHD and Generalised Anxiety Disorder). I was searching, constantly feeling that the answer was in the next app or subscription, or I just had to be more focused.
Sometimes, it takes a third party to see what we can’t see ourselves. So, I asked someone to examine what I wanted to achieve and also to examine me. It’s incredible what an independent, objective person sees. Through guided reflection and enthusiastic mentoring, I found the structure and focus I needed.
I learned that I had become blind to the fact that I was already everything I needed to be. I had more than enough skills, knew what I was doing, and was regarded as a trustworthy authority. All I had to do was get on with what I was already doing. I had to find a way to either believe in myself or find a way forward until I had enough new evidence to convince myself that I was the real deal.
Like many people, I had goals but became lost once I had achieved them. My problem was that I didn’t understand what to do next. I didn’t know how to reflect on what I’d achieved, who I now was, and what I wanted to do or achieve. No wonder I had sleepless nights with so much spinning around in my head.
Having lived and breathed this situation, I can tell you that it’s not just great to always have goals; it’s essential. How we proceed after achieving them is key.
Achieving our goals is not the be-all and end-all of our lives. We have to keep revising and adding to them. I no longer think in terms of “if only… everything will be amazing.” Continued reflection on what we have achieved and what we’d like to do next is vital.
Sometimes, we need a little third-party objective support to help us find clarity and plan as we move towards the next exciting phase of our lives.